My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
