i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
