70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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