i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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