The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
