I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
