if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
