If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Found your dick twin last night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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