Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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