I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Everyone says I win the strip club
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
