i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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