she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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