found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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