What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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