My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
