Even the bartender felt bad for me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
