Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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