she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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