My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Please don't give away my fajitas
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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