I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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