Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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