just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
not ubering you a puppy
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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