Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
