Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
