Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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