So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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