i jhust puked up my retainher.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
