Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
