Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases