wanna go halves on a baby?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
