just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.