a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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