This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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