I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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