My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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