I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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