I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
