i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
