dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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