Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
