New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
