Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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