You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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