but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
