the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
