my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need a beard to bite.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
