went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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