I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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