I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
