He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
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He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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