I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
