You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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