I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
