i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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