Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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