her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
the liver wants what the liver wants
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