Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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