It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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