Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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