Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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