o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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