The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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