i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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